I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
