thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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