Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Why did my mother make you get naked?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
