Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
