My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
