I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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