i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
