I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My breasts were aching with rage.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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