WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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