Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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