answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Can you bring me the toilet please
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
