My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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