The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
