Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
