I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
