Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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