I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
two words...techno handjob
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
