I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
