i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
