right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
