i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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