I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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