Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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