listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
