I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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