If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
