got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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