I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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