Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
