Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
