i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
His hands were made for my vagina.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
