I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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