So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
