you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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