Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
