I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
