Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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