Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
