He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
