Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
is wine microwaveable?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
