Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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