well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
