I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
