woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
