Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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