I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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