Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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