I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize