I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
