I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
