Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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