From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Randomize
