she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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