so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
