all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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