Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
And then my night got REAL pukey
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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