wat bout pragnant strippers??
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
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