I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
